(start tape)

 

Boba Fett: …Should’ve been a cakewalk, that’s my opinion. The Middle East is a land of sand, and sure, you see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in Naboo jungle.

 

EarnMyDegree Blog: Uh-huh.  

 

BF: I mean, Nelvaan was a foot soldier’s war whereas, uh, this thing should’ve been be a freaking cakewalk. The Fett had an sawed-off EE-3, Jacko, not an Abrams freaking tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball.  

 

EMDB: Yeah.  

 

BF: That’s freaking combat. The Sith in the black pajamas, dude. Worthy freaking adversary. 

 

EMDB: I don’t doubt it. You know a grillion times more about shooting people than i do, so I’ll definitely take your word for it. [muffled] Let’s me ask you some real, interview-type questions… you said earlier that you’ve had a rough go of it, assimilating into Earth’s economic structure and expectations. What made you decide to give up interstellar bounty hunting?

 

BF: So the Fett was in the Chandrila System last year, I was doing this thing anyway. And I came up over this long hill and I saw the ocean … and it was on fire. The whole thing, on fire, and it was beautiful. So the Fett just sat there and watched it, and that’s when the Fett realized there might be a meaning to life, you know, like an organic power that connects all living things—god, divine emperor, I dunno.

 

EMDB: And that’s the moment when you decided to do something else?

 

 BF: Look, the Fett’s done killing people. Don’t want to do it anymore—done. That was the decision.

 

EMDB: Do you ever see others who played a role in the Star Wars drama?

 

BF: Run into them, sure … want to kill them when I do. But I don’t do it—the Fett hasn’t killed anyone down here yet, except some guy tried to kill me, so if I see that guy again, I’m definitely gonna kill him, but I’m not going to kill anybody else.

 

EMDB: Why do you feel frustrated towards them now?

 

BF: They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they’ve all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What’s the Fett gonna say? “I killed the president of Neimoidia with a fork. How’ve you been?”

 

EMDB: That’s a fair point.

 

BF: It’s how I feel.

 

EMDB: We have a recording of you, made during a shift at your most recent place of business, Parsecs Pizza & Beer in Hoboken.

 

BF: The Fett don’t work there no more.

 

EMDB: The tape provides several indications as to why that may be. Have you thought about earning a college degree that would get you a job you actually want.

 

BF: …Don’t do well in classrooms.

 

EMDB: You could earn your degree online, and study from anywhere. All alone, if you want.

 

BF: If? The Fett would blow your head off if someone paid me enough.

 

EMDB: Yes, let’s get back to money. Currently, are you employed, sir?

 

BF: Employed?

 

EMDB: You don’t go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

 

BF: Is this a … what day is this?

 

EMDB: Well we do have some work to do here sir, so let’s examine how that might’ve been handled better, if you don’t mind.

 

BF: I do mind, the Fett minds. This will not stand, you know, this verbal aggression will not stand, man.

 

EMDB: We didn’t mean to imply anything that wasn’t already plain.

 

BF: Look, the Fett doesn’t want to get into a semantic argument, just to get out of here and go to the bar.

 

EMDB: It only takes a few minutes to find great options for getting your college degree online.

 

BF: Sounds great. First the bar, so the Fett can drink away his pain.

 

EMDB: Do you get tired of the faceguard—always having to drink from a straw?

 

BF: Can you guess what a straw and your backbone have in common?

 

EMDB: Understood. We’ll come back to the tape in our next session.

 

(click)