Trash Collector v Private Investigator

This seems like a fun, sarcastic pairing, at first. But, for the purposes of What’s Worse? the Deadliest Jobs on Earth, right away there are problems. Deadliest? How deadliest is the private investigatorial profession? Barely, it turns out. And garbage men? Not so fatal.

When you look at the fatality numbers, you’ve got the crab fishermen slaughtering everybody, year after year. Meanwhile, the private investigators, these brothers shamus, well … eh. They don’t die on the job so much. And the garbage men/women of our proud nation are incredibly good at staying alive.

These things being the case, now seems a good time to revise our understanding of a key word:

deadliest.

Why? So we can stretch its definition, and can use it in a somewhat metaphorical role. It turns out that even the statistically very deadly jobs, are, a lot of the time, pretty boring. Besides, metaphors are fun, and in this setting almost necessary; a blog without metaphor is a squirrel without a nut.

What follows below is a series of questions that turn on the matter of deadly or deadliest. In answering each question, choose between Trash Collector and Private Investigator. The answers are inescapably subjective; there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. Nonetheless, visual aids are provided to help you make an informed choice.

1. Which of the two jobs is deadliest to your nasal cavity?

It’s nice to start off with an easy one.

2. Which of the two jobs is deadliest to your acting career?

There’s something to be said for taking whatever roles comes to you; you get to read your lines and cash your check. But there’s wa-aaaaay more to be said about having a shred of discretion;

3. Which of the jobs is deadliest to your chances of making it with somebody?

Color-coordination gets you only so far. Meanwhile, in case anyone’s forgotten where George Clooney got all his smoothest stuff, Magnum, PI sees you standing there and wants to say hi:

4. All of these questions naturally lead here: in the long run, which of the two jobs is deadliest to your opinion of yourself?

It seems obvious, right? Clear as the day. But, then,

Trash Collector or Private Investigator? What’s worse.